My life, my life..

Ok, so this whole blogging thing is very new to me. So please, hold with me until i get the hang of it. I am so excited to start doing this!

So the fact is i really don't even know where to begin, so I will just begin by thanking you so much. I love you dearly Mackenzie and love the fact that I actually have a friend as great as you. I just love how God can take something so simple and casual, and turn it into something totally amazing. I have felt so much better the past few days, knowing that you have my back. I haven't had a friend like that in quite a while. You know more about me than probably anyone (besides Dillon that is) ;)

So, as you know, Bev has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. I feel like i just need to write out all of what I'm feeling about her now. Just to get it out. It has been inside of me for so long, I feel like atually typing it out will help me (hopefully) better understand some things about the situation.

I just don't know what to do about Bev anymore. She is driving me insane. I love her to death, but some of the things I am putting myself through and exposing myself too, just don't seem that worth it anymore. I feel like I have reached my whits end with her sometimes. But, then there is that part of me that loves her to death, and only wants what is the absolute best for her. I just want the pre-braxton Bev I came to love back. I keep praying, and i guess that's all i can do anymore for her. Because I know that I'm not going to be that friend that changes her.

I didn't know something like that could be so heavy on my mind and heart for so long. It seems weird to think about. One of those things that just seems impossible to explain.


I don't think i told you this yet. When I was talking to Ashely the other day when you walked in, it was about Marideth. She has been sending up some red flags for me. The things she encourages, and starts. It just hasn't been sitting with me well. I didn't know what to do about it, so I went to Ashely. It was kind of a on the fly sort of thing. She took it well, said she had been kind of shakey about her too, and would keep and eye out. I just don't feel like she encourages the right thing. I kinda feel like I'm throwing her under the bus though. So, I don't really know how I feel about the whole thing yet. Ashely said she would talk to Brain about it all though. We shall see how that all turns out soon enough I guess though.

Ohh mann. So talk about crazy. My stinking ex Will facebooked my dad the other day! Whaaat?? It was super weird. I guess he wants to have the same job as my dad. And you wanna know why i think that he wants that job? He wants to be stationed at the same place as my dad, and work right along side him, and medel himself right back into my life. NO WAY NO HOW! Who does he think he is? You know he still writes things on myspace about me? I just want him to leave me alone. I love Dillon and I have moved on. I don't want to be thinking about him anymore. It's over. I am trying to forgive him and myself for eveything that happen. He isn't making it easy at all for me to do the right thing. I just have to pray for God to give me strength.

Speaking of Dillon, I can truely say I love him. :) But Mrs.ilean and Bobby on the other hand..I wish I knew what they had against me. I don't understand why they just can't except me for who I am. I feel like they are trying to make me like his exes. But I'm not them. I never plan to be either. I don't feel like they hate me, but don't feel like they particularly like me either. Just another thing on my huge list of things to pray about I guess.

I just wish I could know all the answers. I know that the Bible has everything I will ever need to know in it and all, but sometimes it's just so hard to find the answers in there. Faith has been a kinda tricky thing for me in the past, but I am certainly trying to work on it. Hopefully I will be able to find myslef having a child like faith in Christ with time. :) An uncoditional, faith.

Well, I think thats all the blogging I can handle for tonight.

ily makenzie, thanks for being there.

&thats just me for the day. :)